Hard Thoughts
by Horsey Spike
Summary: School Hard, with a slashy twist. m/m Slash. Takes place during 'School Hard', Season 2 of BtVS


Title: Hard Thoughts (1/1)  
  
Author: Horsey Spike  
  
E-mail: HorseySpike@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: Characters don't belong to me. Joss and Co. owns them. Blah, blah, and blah.   
  
Distribution: SpikeNAngelFic archive and anyone else I've given permission to. All else, ask.  
  
Spoilers: Everything up to School Hard. Yup, I'm digging back in time. Whoo hoo! (That means, no Angel show, Oz and Willow aren't together, no Dawn, Riley, Tara, and most importantly, No Happiness Clause!)  
  
Rating: R, at the current moment.   
  
Summary: It's School Hard, with a slashy twist.   
_______  
  
PART 1  
  
Final-fucking-ly. Sunnydale. We've arrived. Finally, Dru will stop her insane rambling about the Valley of the Sun, and we'll find her cure, and then we can run rampages again. It's been too long.  
  
Shit. I'm not feeling this. This can't be right! He's dead, dammit. Not this again. I can't stand it. New York City, now here! Fuck it! He's dead, Spike, I keep telling myself. Nothing will bring him back. It's been a hundred fucking years, and I still think I can sense his presence.   
  
Dru stirs on the seat next to me. "He's here." She murmurs in her sleep. "He's alive."   
  
She feels it too. Holy shit, she's never wrong. He's not dead.   
  
I slam into the cheerfully yellow sign welcoming me, and I force the door open, standing up out of the seat. Dru's waking up now, and as I light up a fag, hoping to drown out the smell and feeling of him, all I can say is:  
  
"Home, sweet, home."  
  
-----  
  
What have I done to deserve this? Yes, alright, I slaughtered thousands innocents. But, this is beyond cruel.   
  
Two of my most wicked childer came to town last night. Why? Don't ask me. Maybe they're here for revenge, for me leaving them. Most likely they're here for the Slayer. Willia- Spike was always up for a challenge of a Slayer.  
  
Two of my most wicked childer came to town last night. One of them I loved beyond reason before my soul was returned to me. And now that I can sense his presence, I know how much that love hasn't disappeared.   
  
And it's shown me how much my love for Buffy doesn't compare.   
  
And that's the scary part. I love my evil and wicked childe more than I love that girl of light and purity.   
  
My first thought had been to warn Buffy of the upcoming fights she's going to have to face. My second thought was, 'Do I want her to have that advantage over them? Over him?'  
  
And, that's where this confusing cruelty comes in. Do I warn Buffy, the Slayer, of the evilness that's invaded her town, and tell her everything about them, or do I let her face them unprepared, not knowing what she'll be walking into, and might die? Do I tell her, and get my childer killed, or do I keep silent, and watch them win?  
  
Two of my most wicked childer came to town last night, and this cruel twist of Fate has me in the perfect deadlock.  
  
-----  
  
Wankers. All of them. They have no idea of the real power of Angelus. None! They have no inkling of what a powerful force my sire is. He's the Scourge of Europe, for bloody crying out loud! I was at his right hand, and I loved him as deeply as I could. They have no idea of what they're talking about.  
  
Alright, from the stories they've told me, he's acting like a Slayer with a cock. So, he's apparently got a gypsies curse of a soul. If Darla wasn't already dead, I'd kill her myself. Coming back to me and Dru, saying that Angelus had been killed. Fucking whore.   
  
This Anointed One, saying he's in charge, because he was special and all, well, he wasn't even sired by the Master. I have a direct bloodline. He was made in a bus wreck by some mindless fledglings. I should be fucking running this place.   
  
Dru's lying on our bed, cooing to the stars, talking about Angelus, and how the family's going to be. Obviously the stars aren't telling her about the flaming curse.   
  
Why does he have to be like this? Why do we have to be like this? The old Angelus would've sought me out. I would've sought out the old Angelus.   
  
I've been told that he hangs out with the Slayer, like they're Romeo and fucking Juliet. Fine.   
  
I need to go.  
  
I grab an ugly minion, yank him down to my height, and say, "Take me to where the kiddies hang." Take me to where that fucking Slayer is.  
  
-----  
  
He's here. Not 'in the town' here, but 'in the same building as me' here. He came in with a big ugly goon, I recognize as one of the Anointed Ones minions. He's got a sharp eye out, and I stop my trek to Buffy, and blend into the shadows of the club.   
  
He's a gorgeous as always. His hair is different, he's got a tough as nails look to him that wasn't there the last time I saw him, and he no longer looks like the young William. He's a master in his own sense, and he's not taking anyone's shit.   
  
I feel proud. I taught him to be that way. I taught him to be like that. I wanted him to be self-sufficient, and a cold, cruel killer. I just didn't think he would do it without me. I wanted to be there when he killed his first Slayer. I saw the potential in him from the second I laid eyes on him. I wanted to guide him.   
  
But he turned out the way I wanted without me being there. And for that I am proud.   
  
His eyes light on Buffy, and I see an unholy gleam grow in there. He tells the minion to go get some food, and I know what he's doing. Now is when I make the decision whether or not to tell Buffy that Spike's here and dangerous.   
  
I don't move.   
  
I don't move as he directs her attention outside. I don't move as she rushes for the exit. I don't move until he makes his way outside. I follow him. I wonder if he can sense me, or if he's just focused on Buffy.   
  
Buffy fights the minion, and I have no doubts she'll take him down. She's strong like that. But, to face Spike, I'm not as sure. He was strong when I turned him, and he's had a hundred years to hone his skills and learn new ones.   
  
I watch him as he dispassionately watches Buffy fight the minion. His gaze wavers a moments, leaving Buffy. I think he's realized I'm there, and tense, only to relax when I realize it's Xander who's got his attention. It's Xander, who is so like the William I remember, that it's caused things between us I don't think he understands. I feel that he's trying to imitate William, and it makes me angry to think he wants to do that, while the rational side of me realizes he doesn't know what he's doing.   
  
Spike's attention is diverted back to Buffy when she dusts the ugly minion. I watch as he comes out of the shadows, and I watch as he taunts Buffy, and I watch as shock covers her features, I watch as he backs away grinning, and I watch as she and Xander and Willow head to the library, where no doubt Rupert is.   
  
I'm torn by who I should follow.   
  
But I saw Xander's face when he saw Spike. And I think that boy is worth watching.  
  
-----  
  
I share Willow's feelings on this Spike guy. Let's go hide. Preferably far away. Far, far away.   
  
He looks almost as bad as the Master was. And that guy was scary bad. Under the beds, hiding, I can't see you, you can't see me bad.   
  
And, I'm never telling anybody this, I like that bad boy look. I like how he looks. He looks good. And this is seriously making me question my sexuality, so when I get home, I'm going to get those Playboys of mine, and page through them slowly.   
  
But now, I'm discussing Spike with Buffy, Giles, Willow, and Ms. Calendar.   
  
And, oh great, the other guy I'm attracted to just walked in the room. Why do these things happen to me! And it's Buffy's guy to top it off.  
  
Is it my imagination, or is he staring at me while he says, "Once he starts something, he doesn't stop until everything in his path is dead."  
  
I something swell inside of me, and I quell it with a crack, "Hmm. So, he's through, goal-oriented."  
  
Then, Buffy goes off talking about why he didn't show up at the Bronze, Willow babbled, and I'm left studying him. He's so big, and dark, and brooding, and his hair stands straight up, and he's so different from Spike, who's short, and light, and evil, and his hair is flat against his head.   
  
And now I'm wondering why Angel knows so much about Spike. Or how he knew that.   
  
But, he's gone before I can ask, and all I'm left with is a crack, like always.   
  
"I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy."  
  
-----  
  
Next Part: Parent-Teacher Night. Angel has to make a decision. Xander analyzes some feelings. Spike has some skull-cracking fun.  
_______  
  
For the Disclaimer, the Spoilers, and the Summary, see pt 1.  
  
-----  
  
PART 2  
  
Fucking hell! He won't even leave my thoughts now! It's all Angelus, Angelus, Angelus.   
  
I won't believe what they tell me until I see it with my own eyes. I won't believe he's Slayer-whipped until I see it. I can't see much of anything that isn't red right now.  
  
And, then there was that other boy, Xander, I think the Slayer called him. She's got friends that know she slays. Therefore, she's going to be harder to beat. And if my sire is on her side, am I going to survive the fight?  
  
Would he kill me? Would he let her kill me? Would he stand by and watch as his favorite childe becomes dust on the wind?  
  
Will I let him? If he asks me to step down from this Slayer, and let her kill me, will I do it? I'll do anything for him, even lay down my life.  
  
I'm only seeing red right now. I don't believe I'd do that, or he'd do that. I need to kill. I heard some flunkies talking about attacking the school. I'm going to convince them let's go for St. Vigious early. They'll listen to me. I guarantee it.  
  
-----  
  
I don't know what to do. If I know Spike as well as I used to know him, I believe he's going to attack early. And I don't know what to do.   
  
Do I warn Buffy, and risk losing him? Or do I not warn Buffy, and risk losing her? I'm going to lose one either way. Which one means more?  
  
Spike is the epitome of everything I once was. Everything I could no doubt be again. He's sculpted in my own image, but is evil in his own sense. To lose him, would be to lose a part of my past, a part of myself.   
  
Buffy is light and goodness, something which I want, but know I'll never taste. She's what I'm hoping to be, but know I never will.  
  
Which one means more, reality or dreams?  
  
When will the torment end? To not make a choice, is to make a choice. To sit here is to choice Spike. To go, is to choose Buffy.  
  
Or I could steal Spike away, and convince him never to go near Buffy, and the two of them would never meet. But I could never make Spike leave the Slayer alone. That's hopeless from the start.   
  
I sit here, along in my apartment, being torn in two directions, and leaning towards the evil path, which my soul objects to, but everything else agrees. I cannot make the decision.   
  
But, it is only mine to make.  
  
-----  
  
He's attacking. Holy shit, is he attacking! Me, Giles, and Ms. Calendar are stuck here in the library, we don't know if Willow, Buffy, and Cordelia are safe, let alone alive, and all I can think about is the blond vampire who's causing this crazy shit to happen.  
  
Then, Giles tells me to run off to Angel. Like that's going to make it better. But I go, and I retrieve.   
  
I'm reminded of the scene not even a year ago when I went to him to save Buffy. She was heading off to the Master, and I needed him to find the Master's lair. The tension was thick during that, and that's when I began to notice Angel.   
  
And, now, I'm back in his apartment, telling him about what's happening, and feeling those emotions again. I wonder if he remembers?  
  
All these emotions flash across his face, and it looks like he's made a decision.   
  
We run out of the apartment.  
  
-----  
  
Harris is here, and I can see the hopefulness underlying his anxiousness of the moment. He's remembering when he got me from my apartment the last time, and he doesn't think I didn't see the erection he got then.   
  
The sad thing is, as cute as the kid is, all I can think about is that he's trying to replace my William, my Spike, and I scorn him for that, and can never let him in my heart, like he wants to be let in, whether or not he knows it.  
  
So, I listen to him talk, and now the decision has come. No more sitting around, making lists of pros and cons. It's time to decide, now.   
  
I've decided. The soul decided for me. Lightness and purity over darkness and evil. I hate myself for deciding against my one, and possibly only love, but the goodness of the world comes first.   
  
And, I've got to go save Buffy.  
  
-----  
  
Me and Angel are running to the school. Outside, a man lays dead.   
  
I gulp.   
  
This is so not any fun, and it never gets any easier to see a dead man laying on school grounds, no matter how many times you see it.  
  
My mouth goes dry, and I suddenly realize exactly what Spike is.   
  
And how it make me want him more than I already do.   
  
I look up at Angel, and need something to say. "So, uh, you know a lot about this Spike guy. What's the plan?"  
  
To my great surprise, he grabs me by the neck, and holds me tight.  
  
I blink in surprise, because that's all I can do, and choke out my next words.  
  
"good plan."  
  
-----  
  
This is fun! Most fun I've had since before Drusilla got hurt. I'm bashing heads, eating people, making bloody messes, and punching holes in the ceiling at the Slayer. All good fun.  
  
But now he's here. I can feel him. Ah, the Slayer has gone away anyway, probably saving all the humans. Damn, why do they always have to be so goody-two shoes? Why can't there ever be an evil Slayer? Goodness and light, that's all and all. Sugar and spice and everything nice.   
  
He's closer than before. Am I ready for this? Hell of a time to be asking it.   
  
I'm going to see my sire again, with a hundred years between us. Wonder how to break the silence.  
  
I turn around, and I spot him by the doorway. He's got the Slayer friend by the neck.   
  
He's gorgeous. The same, as always. Hair's a bit on the poofy side, but he always had a fancy for poncey hair. Clothing's a bit darker, and he's got a different air about him.   
  
And air of goodness. And of soulfulness.   
  
The bleeding wankers of the Annoying One were right. He's not my sire anymore. Any hope of reunion flew from my head.   
  
Well, I better see what I do to make him admit it.  
  
-----  
  
"Angelus!" He greets me, as if it were old time. I reply with a "Spike!"   
  
He throws away his poll, and says, "I'll be damned," as we embrace like the old friends, or lovers, that we are.   
  
If I'm going to play the role of sire, I better do it right.   
  
"I taught you to always guard your perimeter. You should have someone out there."   
  
I can feel Xander tense more beneath me.   
  
Maybe I should've told the boy what was happening. But I wouldn't get the reaction of fear like I want from him.   
  
As soon as I got in smelling range of my childe, I lost control. My decision flew out the proverbial window, and I needed to see him again. So, I took the only route possible. Pretend to be his sire.  
  
I'm still wondering how it's going to turn out.  
  
-----  
  
He's talking about watching my perimeter at a time like this? We haven't seen each other in over a lifetime, and he's talking about lessons? For second there, I thought he was really my sire back.   
  
But, then I saw the tick of worry in his eye about the boy under his arm, and everything went to pot.  
  
So, I come up with a smart-ass comment. Like I always did.   
  
"I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?"  
  
He gives me a look, and responds, "Everything."  
  
Oh, like that didn't give it away! I mean, he's thinks I'm dumb enough not to look around town, get info about the major vamps in town. He thinks that won't give him away.   
  
It just convinces me all the more.  
  
"Yeah?" I pretend to shake it off. I never would've picked up on it a hundred years ago, might as well pretend that now. "Come up against this Slayer yet?"  
  
Go ahead, Angelus, play cute with me. Tell me another one.  
  
-----  
  
"She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave the puppy dog 'I'm all tortured' act. Keeps her off my back when I feed!"  
  
He has obviously heard that I have a soul. I've got to play it off. I've got to get him away from Buffy. I don't want him hurt, I don't want to lose him.   
  
I don't know what I do without knowing he was still in the world, unliving.  
  
He laughs with me, as I laugh at my comment. He can't resist a jibe.  
  
"People still fall for that Anne Rice routine. What a world!"  
  
Xander shakes under my arm, with the force it takes for him to get out the words: "I knew you were lying."  
  
I need him to be quiet. He could ruin this for me. I give him a little shake and a squeeze.  
  
"Undead, liar guy." He finishes.   
  
Oh, Xander, do shut up. I feel like saying to him. But I can't risk it, so I'm going to do what the old me would've done to someone who annoys him  
  
"Wanna bite before we kill her?"  
  
-----  
  
Oh, god, he's offering me to Spike. Oh, god, I'm going to die.  
  
He's was just pretending to be good, I can't believe it. Buffy's going to be so upset. Is she going to kill him? Are they going to eat me?  
  
I see Spike appraise me out of the corner of my eye, and listen to him say, "I haven't seen you in the killing fields for an age."  
  
Great, they're going to discuss old times, while my life is in the balance. Maybe that'll give Buffy the time to find and save me.  
  
"I'm not much for company." Angel responds.  
  
I can feel the tension between these two. As much as my life is flashing before my eyes, I can see that they've got some sexual tension between them. And, as I realize this, I realize that I'll never amount to anything with either of them, because they've got history, I can see it, and they're not going to let me it.   
  
"No, you never were." Spike said, and now I definitely know that there's history here. "So, why are you so scared of this Slayer?"  
  
Angel regards him with disbelieving eyes. "Scared?" He asks in a way that says, 'I'm older, how dare you question me.'  
  
"Yeah. Time was you would've taken her out in a heartbeat. Now look at you. I bet this, uh, tortured thing is an act, right? You're not... housebroken?" I can see Spike trying to convince himself that Angel wasn't really good.   
  
The fear is dissipating, good, yay, maybe Angel's just pretending to be bad, it's all just to try and kill Spike. Yay, Xander won't die today.  
  
"I saw her kill the Master. Hey, you think you can take her alone? Be my guest. I'll just feed and run." Angel responds, and he roars in my ear, and leans down to take a bite of me.   
  
Okay, maybe Xander isn't going to live today.  
  
And now they're friends, and drinking to killing the Slayer, and I'm the drink! Not good, not good, not good.  
  
They're leaning in, I can them getting closer. The hairs on the back of my neck are standing up.   
  
I squeeze my eyes shut, and wait for the pain.  
  
-----  
  
The pain! He punched me! That brat punched me! My brat, of all brats. I'm staggering backwards, as he yells at me:  
  
"You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!"  
  
Guess I didn't fool him. Whoops.  
  
"Things change." I tell him.  
  
Things do change. Gypsies change things.  
  
"Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom!"  
  
And he's right on that account too. I still love him, and that's never going to change.  
  
He grabs his pole from the ground, and says, "Come on people! This isn't a spectator sport!"   
  
Xander scrambles to his feet behind me, and makes a quick getaway. I stare at Spike for a few more seconds, then the vampire running at me make me follow Xander out the door.   
  
-----  
  
Next Part: Spike meets up with the Slayer. Witty banter I didn't write ensues.   
________  
  
For the Disclaimer, the Spoilers, and the Summary, see pt 1.  
  
-----  
  
PART 3  
  
Oh, she is a cutie. I can see why he likes her. Short, petite, blond, looks pretty easy too. Probably a nice lay, but smells like a virgin. Hmm, he hasn't had her yet. Must mean something.  
  
We banter back and forth. I must admit I'm enjoying it. That's something those other Slayers I killed didn't have. A good sense of humor and wit. They didn't like to talk. All fight, not really into talking to Death.   
  
But, this one's pretty chatty, and it's really neat. Again, I see why Angelus likes her.   
  
"You shouldn't have come here."  
  
I give her a look at that statement. How does she know this much? I shouldn't have come here.   
  
No shit, Sherlock. I want to say. I've met up with my long dead sire, and find out I still have feelings for him. I knew the Valley of the Sun was a bad place to come.   
  
But, oh no, Dru said marvelous things were going to happen. I can't help but roll my eyes at that.   
  
Smart remarks from me, like always. "No, I've messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored." I wanted to see what this Slayer was made off. Instead, I get a big serving of long-dead sire.  
  
I smirk at her. "I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you, I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit."  
  
Because I want this over, and done, so I can get back to my sire. There must be some way to get the soul out of him.  
  
"No, Spike, it's going to hurt a lot."   
  
I knew this town was a bad idea.  
  
-----  
  
I'm watching Angel. He's finished off a couple vamps, and the rest ran away, scared. I'm thankful. Maybe now is the time to confront him about my feelings.   
  
Maybe not. He's not paying any attention to me. He's watching something through the school window. I'm too tired to get up, or ask him what he's looking at.   
  
Suddenly, he backs rapidly from where he was standing, and Spike bursts through the window, staggering slightly.   
  
He makes eye contact with Angel.   
  
Angel stares back.   
  
Oh, this is going to be fun.  
  
-----  
  
I'm watching them fight. Spike and Buffy. He's still so beautiful when he moves. Fluid and graceful, and I'm feeling proud again, because I helped make him like that. I helped to give him that power, and to train him to move like that.   
  
I'm his Sire.  
  
It looks like he's going to take Buffy down. I'm frozen in shock, and know it's up to me to save the fighter for the good powers. But, I can't move.  
  
Joyce evens up the odds, with the ax. Thank the higher powers I didn't have to make the decision.   
  
Then, Spike is running right at me, away from the mother-daughter team, and I'm backing away, trying not to back up onto Xander, who's lying exhausted on the ground.   
  
He stops suddenly, and looks at me. I stare right back.   
  
"Sire?" He whispers desperately.   
  
I can hear the question at his words. He wants his sire back. The sire he had a hundred years ago.   
  
"No." I answer slowly, sadly, dropping my head, as I listen to him run off. I'm not his sire anymore.   
  
No. How much did I hurt him with that simple word? How much did that word hurt me? I just made us enemies for the rest of our stay on the Hellmouth together.   
  
How could I have done that to my boy? My childe? I'm his sire, why did I say that?  
  
Because it was the right thing to do. Something inside me answers.   
  
"But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt." I whisper back to that voice. It doesn't mean I still can't love him.   
  
I look down at Xander, who's still on the ground, looking up at me.   
  
The boy is beautiful, but all I can think of when I look at him is Spike, William, my childe. And how I'll never love anyone like I love him.   
  
Nobody will ever come close. Not even Buffy.  
  
-----  
  
Spike's gone, thank God, and I can breathe better, and I'm actually on my feet and walking.  
  
Beside Angel.  
  
He's lost in his thoughts, and I think it has something to do with Spike, and that little two word conversation they had.   
  
Angel glances over at me, and smiles sadly. I offer him a goofy grin, slightly strained, and I want to ask him what's one his mind.   
  
But why would he ever tell me?  
  
He's untouchable. I'm not able to get inside his thoughts, and I know he'll never let me. I'm not worthy enough. I'll never be enough to rate to that blond, the vampire blond, he obviously cares a lot about. I'll never mean anything to either of them, and it hurts more than I thought it will.   
  
But, I'm going to cover with jokes, and they'll never see the really feelings I have inside of me.   
  
"So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you?"  
  
-----  
  
Drusilla's good at comforting, but she's not at understanding. Angelus might be alive, but he's not our Angelus.   
  
He's Angel, the Slayer's white knight. He cares more about that chit than his own blood, and it hurt more than him denying he's my sire.   
  
He can't deny it. Someday it'll bite him in the ass. And I'll be there to laugh, and not be there to support him, just like he wasn't there to support me through the hard years with Drusilla, just like he wasn't there when I killed my second Slayer, just like all the times he never cared.   
  
I'll be sending it right back at him. He's ruined it forever, now we're enemies, and I'm never forgiving him.   
  
Unlife's a bitch, sire, and you're about to find out how much of one it can be.  
  
  
________  
  
  
The End. 


End file.
